Unluckiest Of Them All
by CrystalHeart27
Summary: Soleria had the worst luck with Pokemon. A vain Vulpix, a Mudkip with a habit to Water Gun her face, and an accident-prone Ralts are just the first few of the bunch. How is she supposed to beat the League with a team like that?
1. Chapter One: Vain Vulpix

**Unluckiest of Them All**

Chapter One- Vain Vulpix

_"In which the Pokemon cares more about its appearance than it's own owner."_

_

* * *

_

I was ten when I got my first Pokemon.

My older brother was an experienced Pokemon Trainer, on his seventh badge if I'm not mistaken, and one day he came home and simply handed me a poke ball.

I remember just staring at it for a while, the shiny surface of the Great Ball flashing in the lights. Then I looked up at him and tilted my head, asking, "Is this for me?"

He rolled his eyes. "Of course it is. You're mature enough to handle a Pokemon."

I took it from his hands gently and carefully, fully believing that any harsh handling would disturb the sleeping Pokemon inside. Then looking up at my brother one last time, just making sure of course, I pressed the button on it, releasing the Pokemon in a flourishing red beam.

A Vulpix.

Err… A _sleeping_ Vulpix.

I stared at it for a good two minutes before blinking. "It's sleeping."

My brother rolled his eyes again, shaking his head at me. "Way to state the obvious. What do you want me to do about it? You might as well just wait until he wakes up."

I returned the Vulpix to its Poke ball and went to my room, just a tad bit disappointed.

Of course, I would learn to regret that later on.

* * *

The little, adorable, soft, fluffy, innocent-looking Vulpix was a _hellion._

"What the hell is wrong with you!" I screeched at the thing for the millionth time after finding my room, yet again, destroyed beyond recognition.

I honestly wondered what kind of god I insulted or what felony I committed in my past life to receive such treatment. Then I wondered if my brother gave me the Vulpix on purpose, hoping to make my life hell.

Unfortunately, my brother had left a few weeks ago and I had been unable to shout my displeasure at him. Still, that wouldn't help my Vulpix issue.

I tried many things to get the Vulpix to behave. Training, baiting, threatening, you name it. All these things just managed to point out a few things that were obvious from the beginning.

That Vulpix was extremely vain and had the biggest superiority complex known to both man _and_ Pokemon.

Out of all the damned Vulpix, why did my brother have to catch _this_ one?

It destroyed all the furniture, shed everywhere, preferred human food and my god, it had an obsession with the mirror.

I tried to return him to his Poke ball, I really did, but that only served to aggravate him more and the destructions seemed to be a lot more severe than days where he would just seize a hole in the cabinet.

Despite all the troubles, I guess I did manage to get slightly (and only slightly) attached to him and he to me. At least, he left some of the furniture alone and that was enough 'affection' for me.

Three years of my life were devoted to the Pokemon Academy, chores and Vulpix. It became sort of a routine for a while. Vulpix had considerably calmed down and was no longer as bat-shit crazy as he was before.

And then he learned Ember. Oh god.

* * *

**So. Yeah. This would happen to be a product of a sleepless Christmas Eve. No, seriously. I drank soda, then hot chocolate, then more soda, then _ate_ chocolate and not to mention the excitement of all the money I received. It's eight AM and I haven't slept a wink since waking up at four PM yesterday (So totally blame fanfiction for keeping me up until the wee hours of the morning).**

**Yes, anyway. I hope you liked the first chapter. It's very short considering the fact that I doubt I could write a longer chapter talking non-stop about a Vulpix. You'll all get more Vulpix love later on. **

**I really hope you liked it, though. This had been on a mind for a while and I'm going to have a lot of fun writing the next few chapters.**

**Thanks a lot,**

**~CrystalHeart27**


	2. Chapter Two: Littleroot Town

**Disclaimer: I do not, or will I ever, own Pokemon. No matter how much I want to. -Cries-**

**

* * *

**

**Unluckiest of Them All**

Chapter Two- Littleroot Town

"_In which moving in seems harder than it looks and the next door neighbor's son is an arrogant little-"_

_

* * *

_

Moving trucks were really uncomfortable.

Well, no duh, considering the fact that they were made for _furniture._

Do I look like furniture to you!

(I wonder who's idea it was to stick a skinny little human in here, hmm? Oh, wait, it was _Mom_.)

Anyway. Yeah, sorry about that, but beingstuck in a moving truck for six hours (or was it seven?) was not my idea of spending the day. Apparently, riding in a ferry across the seas from Jhoto to Hoenn was not enough. Oh no, she managed to get a house in the smallest, most inconspicuous town in the _entire region_.

And I'm telling you, the distance between Slateport and this Littleroot town are _so_ misleading.

(Oh god, my ass is numb-ow, shit! Okay, I'll stop complaining. Just drive a little smoother, would you? These boxes are gonna be the death of me, literally.)

Finally, the truck stopped and the engine cut off. I heaved a sigh of relief as I shakily stood up, regaining feeling in my butt. The doors were opened and I got my first taste of sunlight and air.

I jumped off as quickly as I could and kneeled on the ground. "Land! Oh, how I've missed you. And fresh air, my best friend, I thought we'd be parted for good!"

"Oh, stop with your melodrama, Sol. I _was_ going to ask you how the trip was but I'm guessing that's no longer necessary." A voice said dryly from behind me and I quickly turned around to face Mom. I squealed and threw myself at her, fake tears pouring down my cheeks.

"Mommy, I thought I'd never see you again!"

"Okay, okay, I get it. So putting you in the moving truck wasn't the best idea-"

"It was hell on earth, Mom. Hell on earth. How could anything compete with that? Oh wait, there's always Vulpix on the days he can't find a mirror."

"Speaking of Vulpix, he's waiting inside. Best not to keep him like that any longer, he might accidentally set something on fire."

"Purposely, you mean."

"Soleria Maple! Stop being mean to your Pokemon this instant. You know, when I was young, not all of us could become trainers…"

"Oh god, here we go…"

Thankfully, before Mom could get anywhere with her story, we went inside our new home. It was small but cozy and I liked the feeling it gave off. I figured I could definitely get used to it.

"Oh, honey, I almost forgot. I bought a new clock for you, you might want to reset it to the correct time. It's in your room, go on." Mom ushered.

I shrugged and walked over to my room, which I hadn't even seen yet. However, the first thing that I saw when I opened the door was something red and fluffy and _moving._

"You." I growled. Vulpix merely stared at me in his usual "holier-than-thou" expression, perched delicately _on top of my new bed._

"Oh, hell no. Get off right now!" I hissed at the devil's incarnate. He flicked his tail at me and yawned, rolling over on his back.

_He's doing it on purpose, the bastard._

I glared daggers at him before huffing and setting my sights on my new room. I nodded, liking the décor. Then I walked over to the new clock and set the correct time.

"Oh, Soleria, come quick! Your father's on TV!"

I sighed, glaring at the now-snoozing Vulpix, and jogging over to the living room, where Mom was staring at the TV with a grin on her face.

"What is it, Mom?" I inquired a few minutes later. She wilted for a moment, looking disappointed.

"Aw, you missed it. Your father was being interviewed."

"Um, okay." I looked at her strangely before shaking my head. "Anyway, what do I do now? Can I help with anything?"

She looked thoughtful. "Well, all of our stuff is almost here, thanks to the Machoke-"

"Abuse, I tell you," I muttered, looking at the huffing Pokemon.

"-But oh! That's right, why don't you go next door and introduce yourself to our new neighbors? I heard they have a son more or less the same age as you."

I cringed. That was sure to be awkward. "Uh… okay Mom. I'll… try and be nice. Yeah."

She looked at me sternly.

"Okay, fine. I'll be a perfect little angel."

"Excellent!"

* * *

I stood outside the similar-looking house next to us, looking and feeling like a complete and utter idiot.

"Well, no use whining about it now. Mom will eventually find out if I met them or not and if I haven't done what she asked, she will unleash that inner Charizard…" I muttered.

I knocked on the door out of politeness and a voice answered, "Come in!"

I did as she asked and hesitantly came in. The woman inside was very pretty, with light brown-almost blonde- hair and burgundy eyes.

"Hi, how can I help you?" She asked me.

I smiled nervously. "Um, hi. I'm Soleria Maple, Mom sent me over here to introduce myself."

"Oh, you must be our new neighbors! Hi, I'm Lucinda Birch, nice to meet you. My son, Brendan, is upstairs. Why don't you go and meet him?"

Did this woman just ask me to basically intrude on her own son's privacy?

"You don't mind if I just burst into his room unannounced?"

"Of course not." She nodded as if it made perfect sense.

I nodded along with her. _She's crazy._ "Of course. I'll just go upstairs and do that, then."

* * *

"Hello? Anyone here?" I echoed. The room was pretty plain and it was so clean and organized that had I not known otherwise, I would've thought it was a girl's room.

Suddenly, I noticed the boy sitting in front of the computer screen, muttering to himself.

_Man, is this family crazy or what?_ I thought. I shook my head and raised my voice, refusing to get any nearer to him.

"Um, hello!" I spoke out. Finally, he seemed to snap out of whatever funk he was in and turned around quickly. Upon noticing me, he glared at me suspiciously.

"Who the hell are you?" he snapped. I raised an eyebrow. _Rude, much?_

"I'm Soleria. I happen to be your next door neighbor." I snapped back, not willing to put up with his attitude after the horrible day I just spent.

"Okay, and…?"

I rolled my eyes. "Not like I wanted to, anyway. Our mothers seemed to think otherwise."

He ignored me in favor of thinking to himself. I observed his white-silver hair that was flattened by a red bandana, and his ruby-red eyes that most likely gleamed with excitement should he ever come across anything interesting.

_You know, for a rude and arrogant bastard, he's kinda cute-oh shit. I did not just think that. _

"Oh, wait, are you supposed to be the Gym Leader's kid?" he asked, snapping his fingers.

"Yeah, I guess…" I answered back awkwardly, trying to ignore my thoughts because _he was so not cute_. Really, he wasn't. He stared at me and shook his head. "What?" I asked defensively.

"Somehow I expected someone different." he said cryptically. My eyes narrowed.

"And what the hell is _that_ supposed to mean?" I said in my passively angry tone.

He hummed, smirking. "Nothing, nothing at all. Anyway, I don't suppose you have a Pokemon? Of course not, you just moved here after all. I _would_ help you catch one, but I'm pretty busy at the moment. Sorry, I guess you'll have to wait until later."

He slipped something into his pack and zipped it up, shouldering it. "I guess I'll see you later," he called out and walked swiftly past me. Then he was gone.

I gritted my teeth and went downstairs. I said goodbye to Mrs. Birch and left the house.

"What an asshole," I grumbled to myself.

* * *

**Well, what can I say? I got excited and decided to update on the same day. This story's got me excited beyong belief. So. Yeah.**

Review, anyone? -pouts-

**~CrystalHeart27**


	3. Chapter Three: Mischievous Mudkip

**Disclaimer: I do not, nor will I ever, own Pokemon. It's a sad reality, I know.**

* * *

**Unluckiest of Them All**

Chapter Three- Mischievous Mudkip

_"In which saving stupid professors from pint-sized Poochyena can score you a Pokemon. Just make sure to pick out the right one."_

* * *

You know, sometimes I don't even know how I got myself into most messes.

Kind of like now.

"Aiiiiee! Someone help!"

Let's rewind, shall we?

See, I was innocently walking (stomping) around after my disdainful encounter with Bread-head, aka Brendan, when I spotted some kid running around in circles talking to himself wildly.

I, of course, being the extremely-super-amazingly-nice person that I was, went over to the kid and asked him what was wrong. Worst mistake of my life.

The kid grabbed onto my legs in a desperate fashion and shook me with what little strength he had. "Please, there's someone shouting out there for help but I don't know what to do! I don't have a Pokemon so I can't go out into the wild grass," he cried.

"Um… I guess I can go help," I conceded, smiling.

So here I was, staring up at the strange, lab coat-wearing man who was perched on a tree branch and hugging it like his life depended on it. Below, two Poochyena were barking and growling furiously at the tree.

"H-hey you, please help!" he shouted desperately, noticing me for the first time.

I pointed towards myself. "Me?"

"Yes you, girl with the dark hair and glasses! In my bag, I have three Pokeballs. Quickly, choose one and release it!"

"Um… okay." I blinked and noticed a brown messenger bag thrown messily on the other side of the clearing. I gulped and crossed my fingers, hoping the Poochyena wouldn't notice me.

"Damn, Vulpix is a little hellion but at least he could've been useful at this moment…" I grumbled, tiptoeing carefully across. I sighed in relief when I reached my destination without a hitch (meaning without calling attention to myself from the Poochyena) and clumsily opened the bag. Just like the weird dude said, there were three Pokeballs. I noticed each of them had an emblem of some sort. A water drop, a flame, and a leaf.

I wasn't stupid. I knew what the symbols meant. They were most likely a water, a fire and a grass Pokemon. But the question was, which should I pick?

"Hurry up!"

"Okay, hold on!" I shouted irritatedly. God, what was _his_ problem?

There was a growl and a vicious bark. I also heard a faint whimper.

Oh. Poochyena. Right…

"Okay, what can I remember about Poochyenas?" I spoke out loud, eyebrows furrowing. Hoenn Pokemon weren't really my forte; you know, being a Jhoto girl and all. "They might be normal types. Oh well, it's not as if any of these Pokemon would really have a type advantage over them anyway. Eh, I think I'll go with the fire one." I finally decided.

However, just as I was about to grab the Pokeball with the flame on it, I heard a growl. I looked up to see that one of the Poochyena had now focused its attention onto me. Shit.

Without looking, I grabbed the first Pokeball my hand made contact with and released the Pokemon inside.

"Mud?" A strange but cute blue and orange Pokemon cocked its head when it saw me.

I cooed at the thing. "You're so cute. But you're no use to me if you're useless, so, um, use… Tackle!"

But instead of attacking the Poochyena, it ran towards me at an impressive speed and rammed its head in my mid-section.

"Ow, you son of a… get off! I didn't mean me, damn it! I meant the Poochyena, go tackle the Poochyena!" I winced painfully, hugging my abdomen.

The blue Pokemon jumped off of me and ran the opposite way, towards the Poochyena. It jumped and tackled one Poochyena to the ground, surprisingly knocking it unconscious. The blue Pokemon didn't notice the second Poochyena coming near him until it was attacked from behind, injuring him/her. The blue Pokemon stumbled, clumsily falling to the floor and Poochyena number two took this chance to bite him/her viciously. The blue Pokemon shrieked in obvious pain and struggled to get out of the Pooch's grip.

I inwardly freaked out. I had never really battled before and I was terrible at thinking on my feet. But I had to do something, I couldn't just let the blue Pokemon suffer!

"Um… hey, uh, you! Use… scratch?" I ordered, more like questioned myself.

The blue Pokemon stopped struggling and looked at me with a confused gaze. Even the Poochyena turned around and looked at me like I was a retard. Tch, and that was one of the reasons I preferred cats.

"Hey, kid! Mudkips can't learn scratch! Tell it to use something else!" The weird dude in the tree shouted. Well, at least I learned the name of the blue Pokemon.

"Like what?" I hollered back.

"I don't know, like Water Gun for instance?"

"Gotcha!" I replied cheekily, now a bit more confident. "Okay… Mud-thing, use water gun!"

Confused stare. "…Mud?" _Translation: What the hell is that?_

"Aw, shit. Are you serious?" I cursed in disbelief. "Is there anything you _know_ how to do?"

"Mud!" And then the useless little blue thing used Tackle on the distracted Pooch, causing an instant knock-out. My eyes were little dots by then.

"Well, I guess when your attacks are limited to Tackle and Growl (which sounds more like a purr, now that I think about it) you're bound to strengthen them from so much overuse…" I muttered to myself, watching the Mud-thing get up and shake the dirt from its blue coat and start to trot up to me.

"Mud! Mudkip!" It beamed and closed its eyes, as if expecting something.

"Um… okay." I blinked.

It opened its eyes and cocked its head to the side, an almost disappointed look on its features. Then it made its weird little noise (was that a war cry?) and shot a weak stream of water at me.

What. The. Hell.

"Well, it looks like Mudkip has officially learned the move Water Gun," a voice quipped cheerfully. I turned around, eyes twitching behind soaking bangs.

"Really, whatever made you think that?" I said sarcastically. Then I turned back around to glare at the mud-thing-Mudkip, I reminded myself- accusingly.

"Why couldn't you use that against those Poochyenas?"

"Mud! Mudkip!" And opened its mouth, water gunning me again.

"Seems like he likes you," The weird dude spoke up.

_So it's a he. _I thought distractedly, only to realize I still had no idea who the hell this person was.

"Who are you?" I asked, rather bluntly. The stranger laughed nervously and held out his hand, which I promptly took after debating whether or not it would give me herpes.

"My name is Professor Birch, and I assume you're Norman's daughter, Soleria, by the way you handled that battle expertly!" he said knowingly.

'_The way I handled that battle expertly'? _I thought dazedly, and just a bit freaked out. _If he considers _me_ a good trainer, I'm rather afraid of who he considers _bad_ trainers…_

"Hey, wait a second! How do you know who I am?" I looked at him suspiciously and discreetly wiped my hands on the sides of my jeans. Hey, better safe than sorry.

He sweat-dropped and put up his hands in the international symbol of 'calm down'. "Well, I know everyone in this town and everyone in this town knows me. It wasn't hard to figure it out. Besides, I've been expecting you for quite a while now…" he said the last bit eerily.

Well, that did it for me. This guy was an official nutter. He and that crazy lady from earlier would make a great couple. Oh, and imagine if Brendan was their love child!

I laughed hysterically at the thought. Professor Birch stared at me strangely, but soon got over it. After all, his son was just as insane.

_Youth these days,_ he thought morosely. "Anyway, shall we go to my lab? I have a few more things to discuss with you."

I hesitated. Go to an unfamiliar place with a crazy old man who says he's been "expecting" me?

_Well, if anything goes wrong I'll just scream "Rape!" really loudly._ I nodded in affirmation. "Alright, so where is this "lab" of yours?"

"It's not far from your own house. But first, why don't you return Mudkip to its Pokeball?"

I looked at the blue menace with apprehension. It stared at me innocently and water gunned me again.

I smiled forcibly and tried to wipe my glasses with my soaked shirt, which was starting to stick to me uncomfortably. "Yeah, that's a great idea."

I returned BM (blue menace) to its Pokeball, and Professor Pedobear-I mean Birch, and I were soon on our way back to Munchkin Land-I mean Littleroot Town.

I seriously had to start getting those names right.

* * *

**So I herd u liek mudkipz?**

**Okay, so that joke got old fast, but can you resist the charm of those blue menaces? :3**

**So, was it too short? Was Soleria too Mary-Sue-ish? Did I officially scar you for life and gave you nightmares of PedoBirch? **

**Even if I did, leave a review and tell me what you think, yes? **

**~Crystal **


End file.
